Fuck you. And your little dog, too.

I don't mean to sound like a stand up in 2004, but God dammit if people haven't let this tiny dog shit go.

Seriously, what the fuck do you think you're doing? When your cutest accessory is a canine, you need to rethink your life. I'm tired of you coming into the store, holding your little yappy piece of shit chihuahua-doodle. And I shouldn't hate on the dog that much, cause it's staring at me like Jeff at the end of The Fly. It's all your doing. You've ruined two, no three lives every day that you do that. Mine, the dog's and your own.

You claim that it's a helper dog, that it assists you in living. But we know that your pathetic dog can hardly bare to get out of the sad little bed in the corner of your room, let alone do any worthwhile task that helps you. When your dog needs a baby bjorn, it's not even laughable. Your dog caught your celiacs? How's that even possible.

They say that dogs start to look like their owners.

Your dog's not gonna be a good attention whore, like a sad old woman that slops into her fuck-me pumps and hits the club like no one notices she's not twenty-two anymore.

You can't bring it in here, we sell people food. How's that not clear to you?

Papa's New Bag

After many fruitless attempts applying to jobs with a pussy piece of shit cover letter, I wrote this monster last night while drinking my second Mickey's.

To my potential future employer:

My name is Tony Tallarico and I'm perfect for this job.

I’ve got a degree in English from the illustrious San Jose State University where I ran writer’s workshops, worked two jobs simultaneously, and still found time to get a bachelor’s degree. I’m serious.

What do you want to hear? That since I’ve been in LA, I’ve found an internship, worked a day job, taken improv classes, and been a volunteer PA on a couple sets? Well, good news. I was just listing shit I’ve done. I’m busy seven days a week trying to hustle this town. Ryan Daly’s office at Zero Gravity Management wishes I had more time that I could dedicate to interning for them. Word around the water cooler is that I'm the best intern they've ever had. 

It's been said that I write epic coverage. Samples are available upon request.

Look, there are two things about me you need to know. The first of which is that I’m amazing. I’m the best person for this job because I crave the satisfaction of approval. The second of which is that everyone else is an idiot. Let’s be honest, you wouldn’t still be reading this if I hadn’t caught your attention. Everyone else is busy telling you about how they “completed tasks in a goal oriented fashion,” or whatever, and I’m here giving you the straight dope. 

I’m sick and tired of stocking shelves to pay my bills. I’m a grown man and I’m willing to work damn hard to make myself a somebody. Give me an interview. You’ll love me. 

Best,

Tony Tallarico

925.989.1007

I don't give a fuck. I am the best.

Nice problems to have.

I need a job. I'm not unemployed, I work at a grocery store in Hollywood. I've been employed by the company for half a decade now. It was a great place to work while going through college. But now I want a career. I need a job that at the end of the day, I feel that satisfaction of knowing that I did something worthwhile.

I'm busy seven days a week. If I'm not stocking shelves or scanning groceries, I'm either at my internship or improv classes. My internship gives me that satisfaction, two days a week. I can leave there knowing that I learned something that day and it feels damn good.

My improv classes give me a different satisfaction. It's still based on the idea that I learned something, but the satisfaction comes from the creative element of it. I created something, and even if it was as short lived as those moments on stage, there's still a powerful sentiment that comes from creating.

Yesterday, I applied to a job at United Talent Agency or UTA. I'm excited about it. I know that the job itself will be soul draining. Long hours, low pay, and extremely stressful. Did I mention it's an entry level mailroom job? But even a position in a mailroom offers more potential for growth than where I am.

I haven't heard back from them. I assume it's because of the massive number of applications they receive each day. Or maybe it got marked as spam, who knows.

But here's the rub. I absolutely love improv comedy. It gives me an opportunity to get creative juices flowing with other people in an environment that harbors it completely. I want to pursue improv comedy and continue taking classes at UCB. But I know that I can't do that if I have a nine to five (more like seven) job at an agency. I know that my Monday through Friday will be devoured by ten hour days. I know that the weekend classes at UCB are almost impossible to get into.

Working at UTA would offer me the growth potential, industry insight, and connections that will undoubtedly help me further my career as a screenwriter. Classes at UCB will help me hone my craft and teach me the lessons I need to be a better screenwriter. Ah, there's the rub.

What's a kid in his quarter-life crisis to do?



Do I continue working at the unrewarding grocery store to pursue academics in improv? Or do I take arms against the monotonous melancholy of melon stacking, and by opposing miss out on the thousand natural pleasures which comedy is heir to? To perform, and it is by performance that I must indulge that I've never considered myself an actor. No, I'm but a funny guy making observations and witty comments at apropos moments. But perhaps it is a strength that I've never fully explored.

Pox upon it.

So, I don't post as often as I should.

I don't work as often as I should either. I've gotten over it, so should you.

In other news, I've been writing like crazy lately. Completed a first draft of a pilot with my friend and writing partner Anthony. We're currently getting feedback on that before we attack it with revisions and try to get some meetings. 

While we're waiting for some fresh eyes for that pilot, we're going to start breaking a new story for a feature. I'm looking forward to working with him some more. The pilot was a good experience and I'm hoping that we can bring some of that momentum to feature writing.

I've been doing some solo writing as well. Working on a hero's journey story in a steampunk setting with magic.  Yeah, all of those things. It's gonna be awesome. Check the first five pages after the jump: