Ongoing series of Bill and Gazoo and Howard and so on and so forth!
In the elevator, Bill had no idea that this would be the most important day of his entire life, and for that matter the entirety of the human race. You see, Bill at this time had no idea that he would be the savior of humanity and rescue the miracle of life, that at this point, he believes to be unique to Earth. Of all of the planets in all of the galaxies of the universe, Bill believes that his is the only planet to have successfully arranged the jigsaw. And he would continue to believe that until he met me.
When Bill arrived at Howard’s office the secretary made a phone call and waved him in. Behind the Plexiglas and metal walls lined with shades, always drawn, sat the office of Howard. On the solid wall behind him, a large window that couldn’t open stood wide next to a few plaques and framed documents confirming Howard’s accomplishments.
On his desk was a photo of a beautiful woman holding Howard close and two children, a boy and a girl that sat pleasantly and smiled. Behind them was a gorgeous autumn day when the leaves were just the right shade of gold and red and the lighting was perfect. Rembrandt couldn’t have done much better. Every time Bill sat in Howard’s office, he saw that photo and thought about how wonderful that family looked and how he hoped him and Wendy would be that happy one day with their own children. Every time, that is, but this one.
On this particular time, Bill looked at the photo and felt an empty and dull pain in his stomach. His alpha and beta brain activity decreased and he frowned and his eyes sagged.
“First one here?” Bill asked vacantly. Howard didn’t look up from the paperwork he was filling out, a summary of a report Bill had turned in earlier.
“Well, actually Bill, it’s just gonna be you here today,” Howard said and scribbled a signature onto the summary and laid the pen down.
“Everything alright there, Bill?” Howard asked. Bill looked up to him.
“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Quit caffeine. Not as awake as I was. Withdrawals, I guess.” Howard nodded. Bill looked from him back to the photo there on his desk. “How’s Sandra?” Bill asked.
“Good.”
“And Ben, Heather?” Bill looked back to him. Howard smiled.
“Good, good.”
“Ben’s gonna be 10 in March, isn’t it? Must be getting big now. He gonna play ball ya think?” Bill asked. Howard chuckled.
“Sure, yeah. That’s a hell of a memory you’ve got there, Bill,” Howard said. Bill nodded. “So what I called you up here about. You’ve done a great job as team leader, but we think that we could better utilize your skill set in another position.” Bill looked around the office and behind him.
“Am I being fired?”
“No.”
“Demoted?”
“No, Bill, don’t worry. Your job is fine, we’re just doing some restructuring and a new position is opening up that we think you have the perfect qualities for?”
“Qualities?”
“Bill, you’re good at following directions. You’ve been a great subordinate for me and I’d like to keep it that way. You’re flexible, you adapt to new protocol quickly, you’re expendable. I’m moving you on to a new team that we’re forming to do a new type of research project focused on the future of the company.”
“Huh?”
“It’s. Well, it’s new Bill. No one is really sure what to expect from it, but we’d like to have you head up the team.”
“Did you say expendable?”
“No. Look, Bill there’s literally no limit on the potential of this position.”
“I could have sworn you said--” Bill began, but Howard interrupted.
“Bill, come on, look, I came to you first because I thought you’d be perfect for it and love the opportunity to get out of the office.”
“Field work?”
“Of sorts. Are you onboard or not?” Howard smiled with his teeth. A single bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. Bill looked to him, then the photo on his desk and felt that dull blah and nodded. “Great!” Howard shouted and threw his hand across the desk and Bill took it and Howard shook it vigorously.
According to the record, the handshake was originally a gesture of peace. It showed that neither party carried a weapon in their hand.
Well, Howard finished shaking Bill’s hand and told him that he would get all of the details on the new position in the morning and congratulations and this was a big step up for Bill, lots of opportunity you know. Finally, Howard told Bill to take the rest of the day off, that he’d earned it. This is of course, summary of the record’s official transcript.
As Bill walked out of Howard’s office, he turned one last time and glanced back at the photo on Howard’s desk.
“That’s a great family you got there, Howard,” Bill said. “And a fine looking photograph, too.” Howard looked up from the work he had resumed and smiled to Bill.
“Thanks. It’s my favorite one. And the photo’s pretty good too,” and they both laughed and Howard’s weird little joke.
According to the record, Howard had paid a model family to pose with him six years before. It was the only photo of Howard’s “family” that he had. It is also noted that Sandra, Howard’s “wife” ended up sleeping with Howard and conceiving their child. She carried it through to term and it is being raised by someone that believes it to be his. Howard is unaware of any part of this other than the intercourse.
Both of the children in the photo are now failed child models that continue to be unloved by their parents, real or otherwise.
When Bill got home, he grabbed a cold beer, slumped into his couch, and turned on the television.
Bill was allowed to drink beer because it was a depressant and relaxed him. It calmed him down and after the second one, he felt a warm and numbing sensation move up the back of his spine and into the base of his skull, and it was good. Beer is a mix of water, grains, and tiny little specks of life called yeast. These little specks of life, like all life, have to eat. So they eat the grains and drink the water and they fart out this thing called alcohol. The wonderful thing about these little yeasty beasties is that their farts can really mess a person up. They can make a person act funny, speak funny, and if a person drinks down too much alcohol, they can even die.
Drinking yeast farts was a great past time in Bill’s country. Though there was a time when drinking yeast farts was illegal and people who made them were arrested and put in jail. This was mostly brought about by ugly women that were tired of being told by drunks how ugly they were. That’s not on the record, it’s just something I noticed at the time. I was still new to this job then, but I saw it all the same. When everyone else in the country realized how mean the ugly women had been, they used democracy to change the law and then they all had a drink, and it was good.
Now, when Bill was sitting there drinking his beer he watched his television. Television, I’ll have you know, was one of the greatest inventions of Bill’s century. It allowed the transmission of moving pictures from one location to another that could be halfway across the world. People could, if they so desired, see what was happening in other countries, even countries that didn’t have televisions. People in Bill’s country could see parts of the world that before were only available in photographs and to be read about in books.
But you know what they liked to do instead? One third of a person’s time watching television was spent being told how to improve their lives through buying things. The best way to tell people how to improve their lives is to tell them that their lives are terrible. When you tell someone that their life is terrible, then tell them they can fix it by buying your product, odds are, they will go out with their money and buy it. They called them advertisements.
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